the simple minded suburbanite

The Time is Now
October 12, 2010, 3:59 pm
Filed under: suburban

And, yes, I fear it.  I’ve longer for it for years.  Strove for it.  Planned for it.  Worked toward it.  And now it is here.  My kids are all in school, and have been for 2 months.  But now, the jumble of trips, obligations, committments are gone, or at least minimized.  I’ve let go of one of my little jobs with a not for profit company, convincing my husband that my tiny income from it was a small sacrifice to make so that I may carve out and create the career I see myself pursuing from here on out.  I’m not asking for money to return to college or a chunk for a huge investment, I’m asking for time, I told him.  And now, here it is.

My slate practically clean except for volunteering at school, small social obligations, household duties.  So now what?

I fight the tempation to respond “yes” to the email request for a media center sub.  I select my household projects carefully, limiting myself to stuff I’ve already started and not finished and stuff that is absolutely, positively crumbling, decaying or friggin’ driving me nuts. (Stop!  Do not repaint the bathroom that pretty dusty purple I’ve been seeing everywhere!)  I’m reisiting the urge to eat lunch out with a different group of friends on a daily basis (but I had to cave when one group went to that fab little French place downtown). 

No.  This Monday stared me in the face.  And so did today and the rest of my week that I have successfully wiped practically clean (at least until the kids get home.)  And may I tell you?  I feel nothing but full body terror.  Right at this very moment, my insides quake, my thoughts race, and I am forcing myself to sit in this chair that I have bumped up with pillows so that I may reach the keyboard with some form of ergonomic correctness, instead of racing off to the bathroom to pee.

I fear, what?  Not succeeding in any of the three ventures I have vowed to investigate and weigh out?  Of being too lazy?  Of being incompetent.?  OF pissing away my time?  Of sinking myself into another overwhelming project full of inaccessibles?  Of being interrupted by a crisis that demands my attention? Of neglecting the family budget to pursue my own talents?  Of putting myself back on the radar?  Of redefining myself outside of being a mom and wife with alot of cool hobbies?  Of succeeding? Of responsibility? Of irresponsibility?  Of feeling afraid? Of being alone?  Of sinking my own ship? Of I can?  Of I can’t?  Of the unknown and the known.  Of completing something or of leaving loose ends?  That others might be right about me, that I’m just a dreamer.  That I never follow through.  That I’m disorganized.  That I’m flakey.  Unlikeable.

All of these things. And more.

But now is still with me.  It won’t go away.  It sees my fear, yet still bekons me to a life I’ve dreamed of, I life that only I can create for myself, that selfishly revolves strictly around me and how I see it.  It rests on my shoulder, this “now” and it won’t go away because it is here, my dreams and my fears all wrapped up in the now.  And I must open the door to it, today.


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