the simple minded suburbanite

September 29, 2010, 6:10 pm
Filed under: suburban

Like an exploding ember in a dying fire, the word “Intensity” blinded my mind’s eye.  Like a hot bee sting out of nowhere, “Intensity” flashed and sent red-hot reverberations through my body, and my sould thrummed with it’s heat.

I had loaded my oldest son on the latest bus and found myself wandering through my kitchen, mindlessly wiping crumbs and syrup puddles, not sure if I should execute my plan to crash.  Not sure if I should use this time to nurture my tired, yet revved, self with a little quiet/rest time or if, given the absence of pressing deadlines, I should work on my life’s goals: small business, writing, creating my next steps.  Or maybe just clean up after the baby shower I had just thrown the day before.  And then that word struck…


It is how I have been living my life, with magnifying glass, ant burning intensity.  A blinding, yet (how can this be?) oh-so-clear vision, momentum full of focus, yet distractions.  With balance, yet askew.  With presence yet with a steamroller force looking through every task onto the the next, and then the next, and so on.

“Intensity,” I said aloud.  And I smiled.  And I shuddered.  And I felt that I am on the right path and doing all I can.  Intensity takes focus.  It takes drive.  It also takes energy.  It was time to recharge, I thought.  So, I put intensity to bed while I lay down on the sofa and opened Madame Bovary that I meant to finish two weeks ago, before my trip, that I couldn’t get to because I was preparing to leave my kids with their granny for a week, finishing an article, and wrapping up a job that no longer fit into my long-term goals.  In a few, short hours, Intensity would return once the kids got home and the house started panting again with the controlled breaths of a long-distance runner.  For now, I would let it sigh.  And I would sigh with it.  Intensity would return.  And I would be ready for it.


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