the simple minded suburbanite


Half-Way Around the World
August 10, 2010, 1:11 pm
Filed under: suburban

This summer, my husband and I took a dream vacation to Prague.  I saved up frequent flyer miles and researched it for months.  The logistics were non too easy involving driving my children 14 hours north to stay with my parents, flying from there to New York for a 8 hr layover (I’m too cheap to waste all of my miles on a shorter stint), flying to Prague, walking, walking, touring, touring, busing, cabbing, more walking, and flying back to the US to drop my husband off in the south and have me continue on to the north to unite with my children.

Once back in the mid-west, the kids, my parents, and I took in all we could see since it’s not often we get up that way anymore.  Lots of architectural tours, as it is the birthplace of one Mr. Frank Lloyd Wright, to interest my 11 yo, and plenty of good midwestern cooking, including the much missed Chicago-style Pizza, for my budding 9 yo chef, not to mention water parks and fun for my 5yo. 

Then another 14 hour drive back to the South chapperoned by my mother, who we promptly loaded on a plane back to the midwest some 24 hours later, as we continued on to kindergarten meet and greet, Kohls for new school shoes, and Office Max for those last minute school supplies.

Think I crashed?

Not at all!  You see, every day of our trip, I fell into bed happy and worn out and fell immediately into a deep sleep.  Each day of our trip I arose early, with the birds, before my husband or my kids, to read and meditate and take in the hazy morning sun.  I arose completely refresheddespite the scurry of the previous day.

It wasn’t until I got home, back into my pretty little yellow house, back to my ideal nieghborhood full of families and tire swings, that I couldn’t sleep.  It happened that first night home.  I crashed onto the mattress only to wake at 2am and lay there awake until after 4.  And it happened the second night and the next night after that.

And do you know what I was thinking, in some form or another, nearly that entire time?  I’ll never be able to do it!  How will I ever do it all?  And my mind raced around the details and scolded me for my incompetence and compared me to everyone else I know and don’t even know and criticized every selfish act of serenity I have ever practiced because…if I hadn’t done that, than perhaps I’d be closer to being done!  Done!

And before my mind shorted out and catapulted  me into another short bout of fitful sleep, I realized how much I am bombarded with not being enough.  More accurately how much I bombard myself with not being enough. 

Half way around the world, nobody cared what shoes were on my feet.  Half way around the world, nobody discussed the lawn bleeding into the flower beds or the basement we can’t afford to refininsh.  Halfway around the world we took it all in and drifted in a sea of people so different from us, yet so similiar.  There were no comparisons.  No competetion.  No criticism.

Funny how I needed to go halfway around the world and back again to remind myself of my self and my “enoughness”.

Time for a nap and perhaps it will come to me in a glowing, beautiful dream how I can keep that feeling of peace and fulfillment with me without havin to travel halfway around the world.

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